Thank you Hellen Keller, for seeing the light.

My daddy is going to die. Despite hearing, "The Melanoma is in his lungs. It's in the wall of his chest, his blood and his lymph glads. It's not good. It is a really, really aggressive form and stage of cancer."- that is the only thing I heard... like a hot knife through my ears, through my head and heart, deep into my stomach, where it is currently hosting a tea for all its friends. (I did put some yerba mate down there this morning...) I am trying to forget having read that cancer in the lungs causes the most deaths of any cancer a year in men and women both, and trying to remember that he might die of old age in 50 years. Somehow. He might get in a car wreck on the way home and render this whole upheaval useless to a completely different one. So might any of us, which is really the point.

I have been reading maniacally all morning -really, for the past few months, but now I am being raced- for articles, tips, recipes, books, theories, ANYthing that helps me help him. There is one silver lining in all this, which is that there is a clinical trial for people with 4th stage Melanoma WITH a specific gene mutation, which the results came back for and he has! Nevermind he had to do the research to find it himself, contact UCSF (where it is being tested) himself, ask to be tested himself and even ask for the xray for his chest where the spots were found (and initially felt by) himself- have I ever mentioned the importance of self-care? Anyhow- so the drug being tested is called PLX4032. There is a NY Times article about it here if you are interested. It isn't a miracle cure, but it's part of a new target method for treating cancer, rather than broad spectrum treatments like radiation and chemo, which I think sounds a lot more practical, not to mention comfortable.

If you're reading this, you probably know me and know how into holistic health and healing I am. I believe- I know, that treating problems holistically- even outside of the body, are the best way to heal. To treat the cause of the problem in the first place is much better than trying to nuke it and hope it goes away. The same could be said for all body health issues, problems at work, home or say, in a marriage. Hmm. But I digress.

I was reminded of a Helen Keller quote I used to have hanging in my living room which inspired me then and has reminded me now,

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."

 He isn't dead yet. Neither am I. Just because I can't cure cancer doesn't mean I can't find everything known to man to slow it down and make it easy for him to try it. I brought him wheatgrasss at work today and he didn't implode of veggie overload, which I think is a good sign. I will be employing my nutrition-nerd-knowledge to help formulate a raw-ish- veganyesque type diet for him and boy howdy, I am even going to prepare it! I figure since maybe my cooking is so atrocious, maybe if it isn't cooked, I can't completely ruin it? Or maybe he'll be expecting such a repulsive taste due to its health properties that he won't know the difference. Either way, this is what I know, this is what I will do.

Back to the books for now....Feel free to use this as an excuse to stop what you're doing and hug your kid, your own dad, your significant other, your friend. I've been doing it all day.

waiting waiting waiting

Bah. Today I am waiting for the phone call with the results from my dad's last PET scan. I don't know what PET stands for- but here it is in layman's terms: They give him a radioactive sugar shot (I call it a Spiderman Shot)  that seeks out and attaches itself to any parts of his body where there is cancer. Then they basically microwave him to pick up where those areas are and take a picture. I think I've been breaking things down for my kids so much that most of my explanations involve fictional characters at this point. (Unless it's Tobin, who I actually have to look up the acronym for PET for and who wants to check out the insides of the machinery AND his grandpa)

He had chest pains last week and went in for an x-ray, where they found a suspicious spot on his lung. He also started his cancer treatments with a spot at the base of his neck that they are looking at- both places are inoperable. If they are there, they have already survived one round each of chemo and radiation, which is scary. Still, there is nothing to do for it but wait. Dammit.

Time to pick up the boys from school, I will try and write more soon.

Here's hoping...

It's been so long since I've written, which somehow always seems to manifest when I've the most to write about. The last year of my life have been the most.... whew, I don't even have to word- upheavaling? that I can recall in recent history. Just to summarize: A friend I was close with in high school died, I came to Ca for the memorial and suddenly found myself divorced and living in here again, with my entire life as I knew it evaporated- My life then moved onto working, single parenting, starting a relationship, finding out my dad has advanced stage melanoma, moving, having my significant other move 2/3 of the way across the country, having my niece come live with us, getting pneumonia and consequently losing my job selling fragrance as a result.... and poof! Now you're caught up. Kinda. Right.

I have been positively awful and keeping in contact over these past few months, and I wish I had it in me to send a handwritten thank you to so man people that deserve that and much more, but keeping my head above water seems to engulf most days at the moment.

Not to say we're not happy or healthy and doing well, despite the backstory. The kids are excellent- Aiden LOVES school and really enjoys his friends and learning. Tobin has 9th grade reading and math levels and is a tad less enthused with 2nd grade, but still finds things to put his creative and scientific mind into with projects and the books he continues to devour. Of course, Annika is the cutest little thing ever. She is a handful and a half, but she's so damn cute doing it! My dad has finished his chemo and radiation for now and retains an excellent mental and spiritual outlook- we are still waiting for the final scans to tell us about some possible trouble spots, but for now, we wait and take things one day at a time. I will see if I can fanagle a link to some recent pictures of them here, and see if I can somehow coax myself into writing more often. 

So there's an ubermini nutshell of an update, we'll see if I can elaborate more in the future. Feel free to check back, comment, say hello.

peace,

Julie