Monday, May 24, 2010

Ride 'em,Cowgirl

Howdy from the great state of Texas!

I have been marinating in the lack of pressing responsibilities the past few days, and it has been a much needed hiatus. Of course, there are the daily phone calls from my sisters, frustrated with each other or the kids or of my dad not feeling so well that keep me firmly planted in reality so I don't just float away into the humidity. I can also say I remember -after years- what it feels like to really, really miss my kids. Tobin came in 2nd in his school's spelling bee! I am SO proud!! (I also came in 2nd my first year in a spelling bee, but that was in 4th grade, not 2nd) Go, Tobin!! Annika fell and scraped her elbow and I feel the same pull on my heartstrings in missing that as well. I probably missed Aiden doing bicycle stunts while swordfighting alien-ninja-pirate-robots atop a skateboard, but that's pretty standard, so I'll see it again when I return.

All the same, I am really enjoying Houston, too. It is HUGE! We went to the Museum of Natural Science, which was awesome. I have been to the one in Washington D.C. as well and it is one of my favorite places EVER. The main difference in museums is that the Houston museum has an entire section about oil, courtesy of Halliburton. I learned a lot, but I wish there were as big of an exhibit on finding out about other natural resources as well, but hey- it IS Texas.

Also filed under huge is The Galleria. It ias a mall as big as all of Santa Rosa's downtown! It has two Westin hotels, two Macy's, a Tiffany's, Chanel, Gucci, Versace, Fendi, Dior, YSL and like 300 other stores to drop your entire year's salary into. In the middle is what I thought was the most awesome- an ice rink! Smart thinking for people who go outside and immediately melt away.

The grocery stores are huge, too- they even have enormous natural/organic food selections, which was refreshing. My first day in, Shlomi and I went shopping to get some foods that are conducive to his poor belly and as I was picking out produce, Tori Amos came on over the speakers. TORIIII!! For the few of you who are reading this and don't know me very well, Tori is as close to Buddha or Jesus or Pope John whatever-the-heck as it gets for me. I took it as a personal welcome from the Universe to say "I promise, the Texans will not BBQ you, oh native Californian! Be free!" (nevermind I have no meat on my bones anyhow, but I digress) Also, for the same few people who don't happen to know me so well, it's fairly impossible for me to keep what I am thinking or feeling on the inside. Put me in public, hearing Tori Amos with these two insights and you can imagine why Shlomi stepped in close to say "Honey, people are staring!" as I stood, hugging a bag of organic granny smiths, head tilted back, eyes closed, swaying in the middle of the aisle. Hey man, take your moments when they come! If I know anything, it's that life can take your routine, your marriage, your house, your job, your health... anything, really, in a matter of a single day.

On the other hand, you can also be taken from that life and be put in the arms of someone who loves you (nevermind they may be informing you that you appear slightly insane) with your favorite song and a favorite food, in a random grocery store in a state you never particularly wanted to visit and be put right back in touch with yourself in another 24-hour single bound. My paternal grandmother, whom we lovingly refer to as Grammy, has given me two simple pieces of wisdom that get me through a lot- the first of which is: This too, shall pass. I know that both the despair of feeling helpless and overwhelmed and the bliss of random Tori surrounded by organic produce are passing moments, which is the only reason I can know that I can withstand whatever stresses happen in the day-to-day as well as remember to stop and breathe it all in when when the breaths of fresh air come.

I am going to really miss Shlomi. We have never had so much time together and it has been amazing. He moved here to start a business and had his first job yesterday! I am happy I was here for it, even though it just meant waiting for him to come back to the house so I can see him again. I walked around the apartment complex when he was gone- it, as in most everything else- is HUGE! There is a pool with a fountain and a separate water play area for the kids. His apartment is exactly next to the playground and has a sunken bathtub, only the latter of which I have personally, ever so happily, utilized. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie last night and for the first time in a long time, I was completely relaxed, my only thoughts swimming in love for the moment and him. I am going to box that up and save it for future reference when I am feeling like I did my last post or the days prior to it.

For now, Shlomi is home from work and we are going to go figure out how to spend the rest of my last afternoon here while I gear up for life's next wave... ride em' cowgirl indeed. Yeehaw!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Wow. So today is the day of my dad's appointment at UCSF. They are going to give him a complete physical and have a meeting and decide if he is a good match for their trial... all I can do now is wait. Well, that and spend the day running around because tomorrow, I am going to go visit Shlomi in Houston for the weekend! (♥ insert sigh of relief here ♥) It's been almost 6 weeks! Even my visit has sort of a bitter-sweetness to it because unfortunately, even Shlomi isn't immune to this epic series of unfortunate events- he was in the ER last night with what ended up to be gallstones and was told he'll need surgery to remove his gallbladder. This sucks aside from the obvious on many levels, since either the surgery will be out of pocket insane expensive here or he'll have to go back to Israel for it and likely end up staying there. Both options aren't exactly favorable for either of us, so now I will add Shlomi to the list of people whose diets I am trying to overhaul for my own selfish desires of their company.

As soon as he called, I immediately hopped upon my trusty Google steed and rushed around, pen at the ready, searching for alternative/holistic approaches to help prevent and treat gallbladder and liver issues. Unsurprisingly, (to me, who stopped eating meat in 1993) the most widespread treatment was the removal of animal products from the diet. Have you guys read Diet for a New America? It's a book a read a long time ago and could probably stand to read again, but it is yet another one that really sheds some light on diet and animal consumption without being terribly preachy. John Robbins has a new one out I haven't read called The Food Revolution I'd like to get my hands on, too.  Most websites, articles and books seem to concur that even the modification of more veggies (the raw-er the better) and cutting down animal product (meat and cheese, basically) intake by 20% can really boost your overall health. Sorry if now I sound preachy, but folks- I can't take any more unhealthy people around me! Save yourselves, I'm tired!

Speaking of which, I have had some really, really hard days recently. I am okay now, but probably I haven't written because I keep fighting off depression and it's really difficult. Some days I am so angry I feel like my chest is going to explode and howling banshees are going to fly out my mouth, smiting everyone around me with fire and smoke. Sometimes, I am so sad, I feel like Eeyore... like there's a cloud made specifically for me that I can't see through the gray of. Most of the time I am busy with the kids and helping my dad and it keeps my occupied, but sometimes the sheer magnitude of everything is so clearly felt on my shoulders, I literally can't even move. Luckily, I have Amber to cry to, Shlomi who makes me laugh, Porky (my youngest sister- we really call her Porky, I think even she forgets her real identity...) pitches in with the house and kids and somehow, amazingly, I live.

So now, I am off to take Annika for a playdate with Grace, her soulmate and very bestest friend before I go crazy trying to get everything done today so I can leave peacefully tomorrow. I just finished juicing with Annika so we are all healthy and ready to go! I can't get over how pretty the juice is and how good it tastes. Okay, another day, take 1....

Monday, May 10, 2010

Living on the Ledge

Ohhhhhh boy.

I'm not sure my life could pack more into each 24 hour period if it tried. First and most importantly, my dad has an interview for a trial May 19th for a study at UCSF in which half of the people get chemo and half of the people get the new PLX4032 drug I have been writing and reading about. Whichever he gets will help- if he gets the test drug, hopefully it will REALLY help. He'll know once the study starts, since chemo is via IV and the PLX4032 is a pill, but there's no way to know until then. So, we wait.

In the meantime, we have been working on working more vegan and raw foods into his diet, which he's been a real trooper about. I would NEVER have thought I would see the day where my dad is drinking spinach and beet juice and, dare I say, even approaching not-all-the-way-gagging-and-perhaps-vaguely-getting-used-to letting me use him as a guinea pig for my raw foods test runs. I made something that was called Philly Cheese Steak something-or-other last night, which would have retained more truthful appetizingness had it been called "Portobella Lettuce Wrap with Goo" but it was actually pretty good. We both had seconds, even! One resource for recipes we have been using is the Hallelujah Acres website, there is also Living Foods  and ones like VegWeb, that even help with meal planning and grocery lists.I should put in here that my kids are being troopers as well and really enjoying the variety of new flavor combinations- I am SO lucky to have children with broad palettes!

There is so much that I feel squeezing the bejeezus out of my insides recently, aside from everything happening with my dad. Even small things touch right in my core, ie: every morning when I drive the boys to school, we see the same things- some maroon F150 passes us in front of the same house almost every day. We check the weather at the top of the hill and take an extra moment for how the light hits a certain tree. We also see a border collie that chases us along his wire fence and the same two gray and orange (respectively) cats sniffing around, watching the traffic a few houses up.

Last week, right after we got the news about my dad, I saw gray cat on the side of the road- obviously having been hit by a car. I could have cried- for it, for his cat-friend, for it's owners. The next day when we passed, the orange cat was sitting where the gray cat had been laying, licking the grass. Ouch to my heart #2. The poor thing! And THEN, this morning when we were driving, the orange cat was laying -horribly, but I won't describe it- in the middle of the road. I noticed quickly enough to avert the kids' eyes across the road to "Hey look! Is that a deer?" and took some breaths, but JEEEEEEEZ! Seriously?! Does it have to keep being like that?! Come ON here. Sometimes I hate paying attention to details.

I have still been repeating the Hellen Keller quote to myself when things get overwhelming. I use Pandora Radio when I am on the computer, and this morning it played "World on Fire" by Sarah McLachlan, which really seems like a musical version of the same thought.



I have come across other things that help my heart in various ways, too. When I came to my parents house this morning, still reeling from the orange cat's demise, the sports section was open. I never give two glances at it normally, but the headline was "A Mothers Day Masterpiece"  and the story is all kinds (I counted 9) of awesome. It is about a 24 year old who (awesome part #1) pitched the world's 19th perfect game (#2:) with his grandmother (his mom died of breast cancer when he was in high school) present in the audience (#3)on Mother's Day. (#4: Also the same pitcher who got up in the A-Rod's face a while ago, heh heh.) What touched me is (#5) that there, in all the pictures of sweaty cheers from his team mates, are all these pink sweatbands and pins for breast cancer awareness on all these professional athletes. Aww. Even more awesomeness is (#6) that this guy grew up here in Northern California and (#7) that he is receiving IV therapy himself for a condition I don't know about, but he pulled that game off while sick enough to need it beforehand, which is pretty savage. And lastly, (#8) he's a Leo AND (#9) a lefty! Rad. So the entire world isn't entirely imploding in heartache, just mine at times.

Another thing that was really revitalizing is that the day after I posted that we needed a juicer and a dehydrator, they showed up from two different places the very next day! I really feel juicing will help my dad get the nutrients he needs, so that really is a wonderful gift. The juice that comes out is tie-dyed looking, which I think happens to be an added bonus... My dad would say it's just the seal of hippiedom- either way, it's good stuff! So I still have faith that my family's needs will be met, it's just really, really hard to catch the glimpses of hope around sometimes. Even the weather has switched back to rainy, confound it all! I need the sun! Um, and sunscreen, of course. Bah.

I am off for grocery shopping. Love, peace & veggies to you all. ♥

Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in this story's pages
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in

[Chorus]
The world's on fire and
It's more than I can handle
I'll tap into the water
(I try to pull my ship)
I try to bring more
More than I can handle
(Bring it to the table)
Bring what I am able

I watch the heavens and I find a calling
Something I can do to change this moment
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone

[Chorus]

Hearts break, hearts mend
Love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash
Still there's talk of
Saving souls, still the cold
Is closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

motorcycle mania

I had a dream last night that it was dark in the city wherever I lived, and some thing- some BAD thing, was coming/taking over. (though it was never seen) In a corner, I see some Gaga/Christina Aguilera person (right?!) just sitting on a motorcycle (much like the R1  my love loves) in a matching helmet and outfit, posing, ready for a picture. Hel-LO?! I remember thinking. You are just SITTING on a motorcycle and we need to GO! Not that either one of us knows how to ride this thing, but... I got on with her, started it and somehow, got going. Okay, so I may have driven a bit like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber at first, but I was moving. That is, until we found the whole city was surrounded by some insane mountain.(somehow) I thought Okaaaay... well, this is a powerful motorcycle, let's just get over this and get out of here! ...except that charging a motorcycle up a crazy dream-steep mountain was pretty much only a great way to do a backflip of death and kill both myself and my passenger. Damn. Okay, so we'll go slowly, you stupid mountain! Here I come! I had to use the engine power to try and leap almost vertically, then land on the dirt and slide down to only feet from where I started. But I did it over and over and over again, until I woke up. I will find a clinical trial to help my dad.

This whole thing is more than I can bear. It's more than anyone should have to. To hear straight from his coordinating nurse's mouth, "I'm so sorry, honey. I see this all the time and the life expectancy with this is usually less than a year" is crushing. Still, especially if it is true, there is no time to wallow in self-pity about the looming possibility that the world as I know it might crumble soon. I am alive, he is alive and as long as those two things are true, there is nothing, NOTHING that will stop me from waking every morning, getting my kids to school and getting on my motorcycle to get over that mountain. 

I tracked down Dr. Flaherty, the lead doctor in all of the clinical trials in the NY Times articles, who wrote me back! I was really impressed that he personally took the time to write me, and within a couple of days, too. Unfortunately, he said that there are no more currently trials for PLX4032, which was the drug we were resting our hopes on. However, he mentioned a new drug that hasn't hit the news or markets yet called GSK2118436. So, the door hasn't closed, it's just changed addresses.

Yesterday, I called literally every single doctor and drug company I could scour off of the internet with any link to an applicable clinical trial for him. I even spoke to a few humans in all my message-leaving, all of whom were very compassionate and helpful. I have been working separately on a new diet regimen for him as well, consisting of as many vegan and raw foods possible. I have been reading The Hallelujah DietThe China Study and anything else I can find to pulling recipes from as well as searching the internet for other alkalizing foods and any other form of nutrition and diet therapy to combine. I have brought him wheatgrass shots, which he managed to get down with minimal grimacing. Impressive, considering it takes me a full 30 seconds to reopen my right eye after I take one! We are still looking to find a juicer (both for fruits and wheatgrass), a dehydrator, a pasta maker and a food processor for him so we can fully utilize all of the recipes and foods involved, but one thing at a time.

Of course, all of those things cost money, too. Yeeeaaah. Have I mentioned I'm not working? I lost my job selling fragrance at Macy's because it gave me asthma and pneumonia last month. It gives me time to be with my kids and help my dad, but I'm living on about $200 a month at the moment- thank goodness for SonomaWorks! This is aside from the thousands a month my dad loses due to his inability to work, and aside from the accrual of bills that mount for him monthly for the same reason. Again, one thing at a time.

One thing in the mix to help already is a promotion my aunt and uncle (his sister and brother-in-law) are doing with their company, Glass Dharma  is donating 75% of their sales profit online to the Barry Johnson Cancer Relief fund. You can check out who they are and what they are about by clicking on the link above as well as checking out their promo flyer here. There are a number of ways you can help- buying glass straws is definitely one of them! If they don't fit your fancy, or you just want to give a donation, there are a few simple ways you can, right now at your computer! Remember, every little bit counts. The motorcycle can't make it up that mountain without gas and willpower, only one of which I have in stores.

The simplest way at the moment is via PayPal. It does take registration if you don't have an account, but it is a secure, one-time happening that takes only 5 minutes. Then, simply go to the "send money" tab and enter BPJ716@aol.com as the recipient. There is even a way to donate via text once you have an account! Simply send a text with the amount and e-mail to 729725 (PAYPAL). (ie: Send 500.00 to BPJ716@aol.com). It's that easy, I tried!

Okay, time to hack through the lists and articles that seem to breed by themselves when I'm not looking. On the bright side, the roses are blooming EVERYwhere right now, and you can bet your buttons we are stopping to smell them.