Living on the Ledge

Ohhhhhh boy.

I'm not sure my life could pack more into each 24 hour period if it tried. First and most importantly, my dad has an interview for a trial May 19th for a study at UCSF in which half of the people get chemo and half of the people get the new PLX4032 drug I have been writing and reading about. Whichever he gets will help- if he gets the test drug, hopefully it will REALLY help. He'll know once the study starts, since chemo is via IV and the PLX4032 is a pill, but there's no way to know until then. So, we wait.

In the meantime, we have been working on working more vegan and raw foods into his diet, which he's been a real trooper about. I would NEVER have thought I would see the day where my dad is drinking spinach and beet juice and, dare I say, even approaching not-all-the-way-gagging-and-perhaps-vaguely-getting-used-to letting me use him as a guinea pig for my raw foods test runs. I made something that was called Philly Cheese Steak something-or-other last night, which would have retained more truthful appetizingness had it been called "Portobella Lettuce Wrap with Goo" but it was actually pretty good. We both had seconds, even! One resource for recipes we have been using is the Hallelujah Acres website, there is also Living Foods  and ones like VegWeb, that even help with meal planning and grocery lists.I should put in here that my kids are being troopers as well and really enjoying the variety of new flavor combinations- I am SO lucky to have children with broad palettes!

There is so much that I feel squeezing the bejeezus out of my insides recently, aside from everything happening with my dad. Even small things touch right in my core, ie: every morning when I drive the boys to school, we see the same things- some maroon F150 passes us in front of the same house almost every day. We check the weather at the top of the hill and take an extra moment for how the light hits a certain tree. We also see a border collie that chases us along his wire fence and the same two gray and orange (respectively) cats sniffing around, watching the traffic a few houses up.

Last week, right after we got the news about my dad, I saw gray cat on the side of the road- obviously having been hit by a car. I could have cried- for it, for his cat-friend, for it's owners. The next day when we passed, the orange cat was sitting where the gray cat had been laying, licking the grass. Ouch to my heart #2. The poor thing! And THEN, this morning when we were driving, the orange cat was laying -horribly, but I won't describe it- in the middle of the road. I noticed quickly enough to avert the kids' eyes across the road to "Hey look! Is that a deer?" and took some breaths, but JEEEEEEEZ! Seriously?! Does it have to keep being like that?! Come ON here. Sometimes I hate paying attention to details.

I have still been repeating the Hellen Keller quote to myself when things get overwhelming. I use Pandora Radio when I am on the computer, and this morning it played "World on Fire" by Sarah McLachlan, which really seems like a musical version of the same thought.



I have come across other things that help my heart in various ways, too. When I came to my parents house this morning, still reeling from the orange cat's demise, the sports section was open. I never give two glances at it normally, but the headline was "A Mothers Day Masterpiece"  and the story is all kinds (I counted 9) of awesome. It is about a 24 year old who (awesome part #1) pitched the world's 19th perfect game (#2:) with his grandmother (his mom died of breast cancer when he was in high school) present in the audience (#3)on Mother's Day. (#4: Also the same pitcher who got up in the A-Rod's face a while ago, heh heh.) What touched me is (#5) that there, in all the pictures of sweaty cheers from his team mates, are all these pink sweatbands and pins for breast cancer awareness on all these professional athletes. Aww. Even more awesomeness is (#6) that this guy grew up here in Northern California and (#7) that he is receiving IV therapy himself for a condition I don't know about, but he pulled that game off while sick enough to need it beforehand, which is pretty savage. And lastly, (#8) he's a Leo AND (#9) a lefty! Rad. So the entire world isn't entirely imploding in heartache, just mine at times.

Another thing that was really revitalizing is that the day after I posted that we needed a juicer and a dehydrator, they showed up from two different places the very next day! I really feel juicing will help my dad get the nutrients he needs, so that really is a wonderful gift. The juice that comes out is tie-dyed looking, which I think happens to be an added bonus... My dad would say it's just the seal of hippiedom- either way, it's good stuff! So I still have faith that my family's needs will be met, it's just really, really hard to catch the glimpses of hope around sometimes. Even the weather has switched back to rainy, confound it all! I need the sun! Um, and sunscreen, of course. Bah.

I am off for grocery shopping. Love, peace & veggies to you all. ♥

Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in this story's pages
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in

[Chorus]
The world's on fire and
It's more than I can handle
I'll tap into the water
(I try to pull my ship)
I try to bring more
More than I can handle
(Bring it to the table)
Bring what I am able

I watch the heavens and I find a calling
Something I can do to change this moment
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone

[Chorus]

Hearts break, hearts mend
Love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash
Still there's talk of
Saving souls, still the cold
Is closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some